by Ari Lesser

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This album goes out to my gangsta' nerds


released April 29, 2010

Ari Lesser: Lyrics & Vocals
George Lucas: Inspiration (Star Wars)
J.R.R. Tolkien: Inspiration (Lord Of The Rings)
4Trees: Beat (Pikachu)
Tyler Kirsch: Beat Box (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)



all rights reserved


Ari Lesser Cleveland

Ari Lesser is a singer, songwriter, rapper, and spoken word artist from Cleveland, Ohio. He has performed all over the world, and written hundreds of songs on a wide range of subjects. Ari’s repertoire is expansive, touching on everything from history, to animals, to Star Wars, but now his focus and passion is making music based on the Torah. ... more

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Track Name: A New Hope
A New Hope

Luke Skywalker
I’m Luke Skywalker, straight from Tatooine
And though I didn’t find out till I was nineteen
I’m one of the few Jedi Knights that’s remaining
The force is strong with me, even with no formal training
An expert pilot, no matter what I’m flying
Blew up the Death Star without even trying
Plus I got light saber techniques down to a science
I’m a new hope for the Rebel Alliance

Tusken Raider
I’m the Tusken Raider URoRRoR’R’R
So poor that I got to eat Womp Rat Fur
Googles and a facemask, that’s my style
Hide when I ride my Bantha single file
Got to kill or be killed, steal or starve
Raised in a wasteland you know I’m hard
Where I’m from, sand is the only thing free
So we the sand people living in the Dune Sea

Midget in a hood they call me a Jawa
Rolling through the desert in my big sandcrawler
Everyday I’m scavenging trying to get my hand on
Equpiment that I can sell to an outlander
No matter what is or where it’s from I deal it
Buy it or build it or find it or steal it
Hiding in the shadows so droids can’t see me
Til I blast them with ion and yell, “Utinni!”

I’m R2D2 confetti creating
Disc drive, distracting, droid deactivating
Computer interfacing, life form scanning
Astromech holoprojector, air cannon
With inflatable mattress, periscope, propeller
Cable gun, claw arm, collapsible umbrella
More gadgets than a Swiss Army knife in my chest
Don’t leave home without me like American Express

Princess Leia
You might be a marksman, but I can shoot faster
I rarely, if ever, miss a shot with my blaster
They call me Princess Leia, many men pursue me
I’m so hot my twin brother wanted to do me
But I’m not a sex object, I’m a woman with a mission
A top rebel general, and skilled tactician
Galactic Empire is not as strong as the masses
They can strike back, but we’ll still beat their asses

Han Solo
The name is Han Solo and I push a phat whip
My Millennium Falcon will outrun any ship
It was as a spice-smuggler that I gained my respect
I made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs
So if we’re under attack, no need to panic
I’m a top-notch pilot, a skilled mechanic
And a smooth operator, I have to admit
I’m a little bit cocky, cause I know that I’m the shit

A legendary pilot, I ain’t no rookie
My name is Chewbacca, a big hairy wookie
On the Falcon, friends call me Chewie
Fly drunk all the time but I never got a DUI
Walking round naked I don’t even wear shoes
I like to play games but I don’t like to lose
So if you beat me, don’t be alarmed
When I grab you by the shoulder and rip off your arm
Track Name: The Empire Strikes Back
The Empire Strikes Back

I’m a Wampa, and I’ll chomp on your flesh
I’m a carnivore I like my meat fresh
My fur is all white and I hunt in the snow
So I ambush my prey and they never know
But I won’t kill you, I’ll keep you alive and
Hang you in my cave with frozen saliva
Then when I’m ready, eat you like spaghetti
An afternoon snack for a nine foot yeti

I’m a stormtooper open fire shoot you
With my gun on stun put your ass in a stupor
I obey orders no mercy or kindness
Working with a legion of the Empire’s finest
Galactic police and we keep the peace
Rocking riot gear til the rebellion has ceased
Step out of line and go home in a hearse
501st we the best of the worst

Grand Moff Tarkin
Influential and ambitious, I’m Grand Moff Tarkin
Rising up in the ranks as times start to darken
Got a high level job, Palpatine is my employer
In my garage I got a whole fleet of Star Destroyers
I show no mercy, my heart’s harder than granite
I’ll use the Death Star to destroy your whole planet
I’ve exterminated billions, and I feel no remorse
Keep the galaxy in line through fear of force

Emperor Palpatine
The Galactic Emperor, I am Palpatine
Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen
I’m the Sith Lord the Jedi were looking for
The man behind both sides of the civil war
Grabbed executive power in the midst of the fear
With my Stormtrooper army in white riot gear
Now I am commander in chief, of police
Sith will rule the galaxy and we will have peace

Darth Vader
I’m a straight hater wielding a light saber
Used to be Anakin now they call me Darth Vader
Dark Lord of the Sith, half man half machine
Serving my master Emperor Palpatine
I’ll choke you to death, make you shirt collar tighter
Or blow you to pieces with my advanced tie fighter
You can’t defeat me so don’t even bother
I’ll discipline your ass like I am your father

Lando Calrissian
I’m Lando Calrissian, a hustler for sure
Professional gambler, and entrepreneur
If you want to visit me all you got to do is fly
To my home Cloud City, it’s like Vegas in the sky
We got tons of casinos, you can test your luck
But I’m the kind of friend who sell you out to make a buck
Not a classy gentleman, no matter how I look
I’m a con-man, underneath the surface I’m a crook

Boba Fett
A Mandalorian warrior, my name is Boba Fett
When it comes to bounty hunters, I’m the best you can get
I’m a mercenary, an assassin for hire
Working for Jabba the Hutt and the Galactic Empire
I have way more weapons than can fit in my pockets
Flame-throwers, rifles, wrist lasers, and rockets
Strapped with full body armor, and a jetpack to fly
So I can make my get away before you even die
Track Name: Return Of The Jedi
Return Of The Jedi

Jabba The Hutt
I’m a notorious Gangster named Jabba The Hutt
No matter what the operation I take the fattest cut
Piracy, slavery, gunrunning, spice-smuggling
Got a hand in so many crimes, that I’m juggling
Cruel, pragmatic, greedy, and malicious
I like torture, execution, and half-naked bitches
You don’t want to fuck with me, I’m a straight gang lord
Drop you through a trap door, and feed you to my rancor

From the Pit of Carkoon, I am the Sarlacc
Near my sand dune I’ll have you for a snack
My tentacles pull anything they can reach
Into the pit of my mouth full of teeth
My snake like tongue will swallow you whole
But keep you alive so you die slow
To be eaten by me is the greatest of fears
I’ll digest your body for thousands of years

Chief Chirpa
I’m Chief Chirpa covered in gray hair
Might look like a little furry teddy bear
Only bout a meter high, I ain’t that large
But on the moon of Endor I’m the one in charge
I command an army of Ewok fighters
Using spears, knives, rocks and hang gliders
We’ll hunt you down no matter where you run
And sacrifice your body to the Golden One

I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations
Fluent in six million forms of communication
Assisting with etiquette, customs, and translation
So everything runs smoothly when you go on vacation
But space travel is perilous I prefer not to fly
I need no excitement, I’d rather not die
I’m just a protocol droid, trying to avoid
Any situation that will get me destroyed

I am IG-88 Assassin droid
If you are organic you will be destroyed
All non-droid life forms are inferior
My intelligence and design are superior
I am made of weapons but I added one more
By inserting myself in the Death Star’s core
When it starts running, I’ll start gunning
The galactic Droid Revolution is coming

Wedge Antilles
I’m Wedge Antilles and I’m a Corillean
Starfighter pilot ace of the rebellion
True very few have flown where I flew
Made runs on the Death Star one and two
Call me Red rider, a whole fleet of TIE Fighter
Won’t put a ding on the X-Wing I’m inside of
Friends keep fallen, all leaving me grieving
Top gun son only reason I’m breathing

Admiral Ackbar
Freedom fighting frigate flying Admiral Ackbar
I eat up imperial ships like a snack bar
Mon Calamari military, leader I run
The MC80 Star Cruiser, Home One
Supreme Commander of the Rebel Fleet
Fighting for our lives so we can’t retreat
Fly on the frontline, I stay on course
A selfless servant of the Rebel Force
Track Name: The Phantom Menace
The Phantom Menace

Qui-Gon Jinn
I’m Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn
Work for myself take orders from within
Regarded as a maverick cause I think outside the box
Faithful to the Jedi Order but quite unorthodox
Down to earth, present in the moment, I endorse
Philosophical fighting, focusing on the living force
I am kind, for all life forms I have respect
But if you try to harm me, I’ll cut off your neck

Darth Maul
Name is Darth Maul I’m a dangerous Sith
Not the kind of enemy you want to mess with
I’m a Zabrak, my skin’s all red
Covered in tattoos, got horns on my head
I’ll cut a whole gang of Jedi knights in half
Using both blades of my lightsaber staff
I execute Jedi like Order 66
If I judge you worthy I let you die quick

Padme Amidala
People know me as Padme Amidala
I’m a Queen, I’m a Senator, I’m a shot caller
Fly a chromium covered star ship from Naboo
With the finest clothes and the best hair-do
I got down with Anakin before he was Vader
And that man knows how to use a lightsaber
Throughout the Galaxy I am known for my beauty
But I never put myself above my civic duty

I’m a Toydarian dealer named Watto
Betting with me’s like playing the lotto
Pay up now your not going to win
Come back tomorrow and try it again
If it’s not about business, I don’t want to talk
I can fly, you can take a walk
No need for friends I like being alone
My closest companions are slaves that I own

Podracing champ, Sebulba’s the name
Drive on a circuit that puts Nascar to shame
If you try to pass by my racer, I’ll end you
I don’t run a clean race and I don’t pretend to
Known to be reckless in the driver’s seat
Hands on the gas, while I steer with my feet
Even use a flamethrower when I want to bring the heat
First place every race even if I have to cheat

Jar Jar Binks
Mesa Gungan General, Jar Jar Binks,
Not so smart, but Mesa thinks
My a good soul, just clumsy control
So Mesa been in trouble since I was a tadpole
Swim like fish my a tongue like a frog
Mesa bill of a duck, my a ears of a dog
Like man’s best friend mesa there to the end
Yousa pleasea forgive my, if mesa offend
Track Name: Attack Of The Clones
Attack Of The Clones

Anakin Skywalker
Call me king Anakin cause I married a queen
Skywalker, proof of the American dream
I was born into slavery on Tatooine
Now I’m the greatest Jedi this worlds ever seen
And I will crush any enemy that I face
If it’s lightsaber combat or in deep space
A first place podracer ace, of course
The Chosen One bringing balance to the force

Obi-Wan Kenobi
I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi, an elite Jedi Knight
Humble and modest, though I know how to fight
I prefer diplomacy, they call me Negotiator
In the history of Jedi’s, very few have been greater
Wise beyond my years, steadfast and selfless
Defeating the dark side, defending the helpless
A swordsmen, wielding my light saber with skill
A master of the force, bending others to my will

Lama Su
Welcome, we’ve been expecting you
I am prime minister Lama Su
And when it comes to producing clones
Here on Kamino we stand alone
Behold the grand clone army you bought
They are magnificent are they not
We are on schedule, progress is steady
It will not be long til your army is ready

Jango Fett
I’m Jango Fett I keep to my own
But you may have seen my face on an army of clones
Used as the mold of the perfect soldier
Cause my heart is cold and I’m hard like a boulder
With my Firespray starship Slave 1
I track down bounties get the job done
Jet pack on my back twin blasters blasting
Don’t mess with a Mandalorian assassin

Mace Windu
I’m High Jedi General Mace Windu
If you fight for what’s right I’m defending you
In lightsaber combat I can perform
So skilled with the blade I made my own form
Channeling my darkness to serve the light
I’m Master of the Order of the Jedi Knight
On a campaign dropping Sith like rain
Get these mother fucking snakes off my mother fucking plane

I do, or do not. There is no try.
Yoda is my name, Grand master Jedi
Wise I am, for I have been through a lot
When nine hundred you reach, look as good you will not
I’m a great warrior, the force is my gift
With only my mind, massive objects, I lift
Expert lightsaber technique, I got
You judge me by my size, but size matters not
Track Name: Revenge Of The Sith
Revenge Of The Sith

Battle Droid
I’m a B1 battle droid I have been deployed
By the Trade Federation to insure you are destroyed
I will keep fighting til my mission is complete
Or until I am destroyed I will never retreat
You’re vastly outnumbered even I fall
There’s billions and billions just like me on call
With the press of a button your planet will be won
Before you even realize the war has begun

Nute Gunray
I’m Neimodian Viceroy Nute Gunray
Sign this treaty now do what I say
I built a blockade and cut off your trade
To weaken your world so I could invade
With the battle droid army of my Federation
Which I command safely from a space station
Your people will suffer, that’s how it must be
Until you sign your planet over to me

Poggle The Lesser
I’m Poggle the Lesser a large insect
Supported by the Sith so I get respect
I’m Archduke of the Geonosian Hive
Where the battle droid business continues to thrive
Get in my way you’ll receive retribution
In the form of public execution
I’ll let to compete with a deadly beast
From my arena you will not leave in one piece

General Grievous
I’m general Grievous cyborg supreme
I command the war for the Confederate team
Got billions of droids who will drop you dead
Controlled by antennas on top of my head
I’ve killed many Jedi from padawan to master
They use force, but my lightsaber’s faster
My arms split in two using four hands at once
I’ll smite two Jedi, while I smoke two blunts

Count Dooku
I’m Count Dooku, I trained Qui-Gon
But now the dark side is the side that I’m on
Used to be a Jedi, but not any more
Sideous and I are starting a civil war
I’m playing the part of the Confederacy
Leading the Separatist Movement like Robert E. Lee
And I just deployed quintillions of droids
Won’t be long till the Republic’s destroyed

Darth Sideous
Call me Darth Sideous, most hideous hater
I’m top dog, my bitch is Darth Vader
I’m a staight sinner, not a beginner
Killed a billion people before I ate dinner
I’m the most powerful man that exist
Unleash lightening with the flick of my wrists
Master of the Force, feared galaxy wide
Not just Sith, I am the Dark Side
Track Name: The Hobbit
The Hobbit

The Hobbit

I’m a man of many nicknames: Web Cutter, Clue Finder
Stinging Fly, Ringwinner, Luckwearer, Barrel Rider
Burglar from Bag End, I’m Bilbo Baggins
Turning Trolls into stone, while I hunt down Dragons
I do what I want I don’t ask for permission
If you’re my homie I’ll break you out of prison
But turn your back on me, I’ll steal your precious treasure
And I’m not even four feet tall if you measure

The King of Durin’s folk, I am Thorin Oakenshield
A dwarf you don’t want to face on the battlefield
I’m going to take my treasure back from Smaug the Dragon
Got a dozen decent dwarves and a burgler named Baggins
Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Balin, Gloin, Kili
Dori, Nori, Ori, Dwalin, Oin, Fili
With a posse like that no way we can blow it
We’ll all be rolling in gold for you know it

Great Goblin
I’m a big bad orc, call me the Great Goblin
Pass by my home, I might cause you some problems
In the Misty Mountains, I’m the chief of Goblin-town
Around here I’m the boss, I don’t need to wear a crown
Trust me, you don’t want to fuck with my crew
My orcs prey on all those who tries to pass through
Travel by my city, better not be reckless
I’ll catch you and add your skull to my necklace

Normally I’m a man with bushy black hair
But I can transform into a large black bear
I’m Beorn the skin-changer, from Mirkwood
Quick to anger, but at heart I am good
I grow flowers, clover, have a hive full of bees
Cows, sheep, horses, dogs and ponies
I love the animals I do not kill them for food
But I’ll still kill you if I’m in a bad mood

I’m Smaug the Dragon, with tremendous wealth
I reside on the Lonely Mountain by myself
Every one knows the dreadful power I wield
My scales are impenetrable, tenfold shields
I kill where I wish, as I’ve done for many years
Teeth are like swords, claws are like spears
Wings are a hurricane, fire breath is death
Slaughter people in your city til nobody left

I’m Bard the Bowman, man of Dale
You better watch out when I let a shot sail
Cause I can hit any target with my black arrow
No matter how distant, no matter how narrow
With a bow in my hand an my chainmail sagging
All I need is one well placed shot to slay a dragon
Smaug’s like an apple, and I’m William Tell
Strike him at his core, send him straight to hell
Track Name: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Book I
Book I

Gandalf The Grey
I’m Gandalf the Grey, greatest wizard of my day
And you better not say that I caused a delay
Cause I’m never late or early, I arrive when I mean
And the party don’t start till I step on the scene
You see me come around, it’s time to get down
I make the spot pop when I roll into town
With a cartload a fireworks light up the sky
Then light up some pipe-weed so we can get high

I’m Peregrin Took but my friends call me Pippen
Got a whole book of phat rhymes I be ripping
Pipe-weed I be smoking, fine ale I be sipping
Then steal Farmer Maggot’s mushrooms and start tripping
Speaking of frying, I want to eat some grub
I’m going to order up a couple pints at the pub
I’ll sing a few songs, maybe tell you a tale
While I wash down my food with a tall glass of ale

Barlimen Butterbur
Where the Great East Road meets the Greenway
The Prancing Pony is the only place to stay
I’m Barlimen Butterbur, the innkeeper
And if you spend the night I hope you’re a deep sleeper
Cause we know how to party, our beer is great
And in the village of Bree the bars stay open late
So forget about you troubles, no need to worry
The first rounds on me, you’ll be drunk in a hurry

Bill Ferney
I’m Bill Ferney, a man of Bree
And if you need some help, you shouldn’t ask me
I’ll laugh at your trouble cause I think that its funny
My main interests are making mischief and money
If someone pays me to rat you out I’ll snitch
I’m going to do whatever it takes to get rich
I’ll even work for Sauron if he pays me in cash
So when I’m around you better watch your ass

I’m a powerful Elf-lord, Glorfindel
If you’re in pain I can make you feel well
Healing fatal wounds with the touch of my hand
When ring-wraiths reappear, I take a stand
Chase them like rats, cause that’s what they are
I even scared off the Witch-king of Angmar
Shine in dark times like a bright, white, light
They all know the might of an elven knight

I am Goldberry, more fair than an elf
Embodiment of the river itself
Return each year to bathe in the water
Because I am the River-Woman’s daughter
At the edge of the old forest I chill
With my husband Tom Bombadil
Together both of us make quite a pair
Living a life free of worry and care

Tom Bombadil
I’m Tom Bombadil, and I know how to chill
The Master of the wood, water, and hill
My coat is blue, my big boots are yellow
A laughing, singing, merry old fellow
In the Old Forest I live life with ease
I was here before the river and trees
Saw the first raindrop and the first acorn
None know what I am or when I was born
Track Name: The Fellowship Of The Ring: Book II
Book II

Call me Master Elrond, and don’t twisted
I’ve been fighting Sauron, since before you existed
Born in the First Age, and still living well
In the Last Homely House, I’m the Lord of Rivendell
My mind is the only things sharper than my sword
So I know that the One Ring cannot be ignored
The Ring will corrupt any men who employ it
The only chance we have of victory is to destroy it

My name is Legolas, I’m a prince of the elves
Don’t piss me off if you care about your health
When I want you dead the chance of living is narrow
After I sink an arrow in your bone marrow
A sharpshooting sniper, striking like a viper
I’ll end you like a bug on a windshield wiper
Immortal Elven Archer cut you down like a knife
Hastening your departure to the afterlife

I’m a dwarf, my name is Gimli, son of Gloin
I murder my foes with an axe to the loin
Don’t start no beef, I’m not comic relief
I’ll work you like metal and knock out your teeth
I’m a warrior, want to check my axe technique
Respect the beard, I ain’t no weird circus freak
Yeah I’m short and I’m stout, but have no doubt
If you stand in my way then I’ll take your ass out

My name is Boromir, I’m the son of Denethor
Heir apparent to the Stewardship of Gondor
I’m the Captain and High Warden of the White Tower
A skilled general with great military power
On the battlefield, I’m the man in command
Taking my stand with long sword in hand
I don’t move forth like a thief in the night
You’ll hear the Horn of Gondor before I come into sight

From deep within the Misty Mountains I came
A powerful demon of shadow and flame
A wicked, winged, whip-toting warrior
I am the mighty Balrog of Moria
A tremendous towering titan of terror
If our paths cross, you’ve made a huge error
When you see me, flea, and if you slip
You’ll meet your demise with the lash of my whip

My name is Haldir, an elf you should fear
If you enter Lothlorien, I’ll make you disappear
Setting foot in the forest is the last thing you’ll do
Cause we don’t take kindly to foreigners like you
The penalty for trespassing here is death
I’ll catch you in the dark from the sound of your breath
Have you blindfolded and shot on the spot
Then leave your body lying in the woods to rot

My name is Celeborn and I’m not trying to be a hater
But if we compare intellects, mine is far greater
Sorry if it sounds like I’m full of myself
But in all of Middle-Earth I am the wisest elf
Lord of Lothlorien, my life is good
Reside in a tree house in the Golden Wood
As you can see I live a very rich life
Now let me introduce you to Galadriel my wife

My stunning gold hair has a silver glow
I am fair as the sea, and the sun, and the snow
Beautiful and terrible as Morning and Night
A strong, noble woman, over six feet in height
I am Queen Galadriel, the most powerful elf
And with the One Ring I could rule Middle-Earth myself
I’d be dreadful as the storm, strong as earth’s foundation
Luckily I’m wise enough to resist that temptation
Track Name: Two Towers: Book III
Book III

My name is Eomer I’m a Rohan rider
A masterful horseman and fearless fighter
Get out my way or get trampled by my horse
Cause I show no remorse when I have to use force
Foes flea in fear at the sight of my spear
You can call me Lebron James, I’m a Cavalier
Me an my pack attack on horseback
Slaughtering Orcs like Listerine kills plaque

My name is Ugluk, I’m a big black orc
I’d rather eat man-flesh than a piece of pork
I’m an Uruk-Hai commander, not just a warrior
In charge of orcs all the way from Isengard to Moria
Got a few hundred of them in my command
Beneath Saruman’s emblem of the white hand
And my orcs obey my orders, or they’re dead
If you talk back to me, I’ll cut off your fucking head

The oldest of the ents, I am a foe to be feared
From the forest of Fangorn, I am Treebeard
Be vey careful when you enter my home
For each twig you snap I will break one bone
If you like to smoke a little bit of pipe weed, fine
That I don’t mind, but burning trees is a crime
The wizard Saruman is guilty of this offense
So he’ll face the wrath of the last march of the ents

I’m a tall smooth ent, my name is Quickbeam
If you want to take Saruman down, I’m on your team
I enjoy singing and I love to laugh
But right now I just want to tear that wizard in half
His Orcs have been cutting down trees for to long
The Fangorn Forest must show that we are strong
So to every ent I call, let us stand tall
Time for us to march, Isengard will fall

I’m Saruman the White, wizard with a wealth of power
My home is a stronghold, Isengard’s Tower
I have many enemies, but if you want to harm me
First you got to find a way through my massive army
Of crossbred orc-men I call them Uruk-Hai
And for me every one of them is willing to die
Even if you make it past, I strike you down with my staff
And the last thing you’ll hear is the sound of my laugh

Grima Wormtoungue
I’m Grima Wormtoungue, a man of treason
I’ll betray and stab you in the back for no reason
Controlling kingdoms with the words that I speak
Make the young feel old and the strong feel weak
I’ll get you to do things you’d never consent to
Turn your friends against you, make your family resent you
Poison your mind with what I whisper in your ear
You’re a powerless puppet, I’m the puppeteer

You peons listen up while I get my royal flow on
All hail me, I’m the King of Rohan
My nephew’s Eomer, my niece is Eowyn
My son was Theodred, and I’m Theoden
When you enter my court leave your weapon at the door
If I give you an order, you’d better not ignore
Trust me my bite is much worse than my bark
Don’t mess with the First Marshall of the Mark
Track Name: Two Towers: Book IV
Book IV

My name is Frodo Baggins, and I’m the Ring-bearer
On a perilous journey with no margin for error
Got to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom
That’s where it was forged, that’s where it must be consumed
So I’m traveling deep behind enemy lines
Risking life and limb, facing evil of all kinds
I’m just your average Hobbit, I don’t have many talents
But I can’t fail the fate of Middle-Earth hangs in the balance

I’m just simple gardener I ain’t looking for trouble
But fuck with my friend and I’ll hit you with a shovel
Name is Samwise Gamgee, Sam for short
And I’m the hobbit to turn to when you need support
Everybody knows that I love my boy Frodo
Don’t even try to hurt him, I’ll snap you like a photo
If you do us wrong, I won’t beg for your pardon
I’ll just knock you out and bury you alive in my garden

My name is Khamul, I was a man from the East
Now you’ll find me riding through the air on my fellbeast
I’m a Nazgul of Sauron, hunting down the ring
Second in command only to the Witch-king
When I enter a room, the air becomes cold
My presence instills fear in the most bold
Invisible, but my dark robes give me shape
I can smell your blood there’s no chance of escape

My name is Faramir, Boromir’s little bro
And I could end a foe with one shot from my bow
I can be kind and gentle, but I ain’t no civilian
I’m a captain, I command the Rangers of Ithilien
Me and my troops are in charge of the border
Cause my homeland, Gondor, is right next to Mordor
And whenever we see Sauron’s minions, we bust them
No airport in Gondor, but we still got customs

I’ll strangle you and hide your body like Deagol
If you call me Gollum, my name is Smeagol
I’ll use my bare hands and gut you like a fish
I really don’t give a shit about your last wish
My ring, my precious, find it we must
That Hobbitses Baggins, he stole it from us
When I find that rat, I’ll make his bones crack
And then “Gollum” we’ll take our precious back

I don’t want towers, rings and material wealth
Just a glut of life, and death for everyone else
I’m Shelob the spider, pleasure to meet you
Come to my lair in the mountains so I can eat you
I’ll catch you in my web like a little insect
Then sting you and inject some poison in your neck
Taking great pleasure in your slow painful death
As I drink your warm blood and feast on your living flesh
Track Name: The Return Of The King: Book V
Book V

You want to give me advice, I don’t give a damn
Not king but I exercise power like I am
I’m tSteward of Gondor, Lord Denethor
And I don’t know what everyone is still fighting for
Middle-Earth is doomed, the end is near
I have foreseen everything on my Palintir
The ring is lost, Sauron has returned
The west has failed, go back and burn

My name is Eowyn, Rohan is my land
Got a horse between my legs and a sword in my hands
As you can tell I’m a blonde bombshell
I look real good and I fight just as well
Dress up like a man so that I can go to war
Like Mulan from Disney, but more hardcore
If you don’t believe me, you could give it a whirl
And find out what its like to get murdered by a girl

Sauron’s most dreadful servant, I’m the Witch-king
Black Captain of the nine wraiths searching for the ring
I’m Lord of the Nazgul and you are my prey
I won’t just slay thee, I shall l bear thee away
Beyond all darkness I’ll have you sent
Y ou’ll endlessly suffer in the houses of lament
Your flesh will be devoured, but you will not die
Thy shriveled mind will be left naked to the lidless eye

What’s up I’m Merry, my feet are kind of hairy
My home’s Buckland near the Bucklebury Ferry
Organized and efficient, I’m prepared for a mission
Got ponies and supplies ready for an expedition
I can hold my own no matter where I travel
Yeah I might be small but I’m hard like gravel
Even though I’m half your size, if you mess with me
I’ll stab you like the Witch-King in the back of your knee

King Of The Dead
I was cursed by Isildur cause I broke and oath
So now I’m not alive, or dead, I’m both
Was King of The Mountains, now I’m King of the Dead
My followers fill living beings with dread
Aragorn asked me to help and though he’d normally get slayed
I will just because I want my debt to be repaid
So for now the service of my dead army is at lease
Cause I must fulfill this oath so I can finally rest in peace

My name is Sauron, I live in Mordor
If you a goblin or an orc then you probably my supporter
I live in Barad-Dur, the Dark Tower
And I’m the one who forged the One Ring of Power
I smoke enemies like fiends smoke dope
So bring me my ring like I’m the God-damn Pope
Or I’ll hunt your ass down with the Nazgul Nine
I’m taking over Middle-Earth, fall in line
Track Name: The Return Of The King: Book VI
Book VI

My name is Aragorn, the son of Arathorn
But many men know me as Strider the Ranger
I lead the lost and bring hope to the forlorn
A bright light shining in the face of great danger
When I step on the battlefield evil beware
I’m a powerful man, and I don’t fight alone
I’m the true King of Gondor, Isildur’s Heir
Returning from exile to reclaim my throne

Tales of my beauty have been told near and far
The Lady of Rivendell, I am Arwen Evenstar
Daughter of Elf-lord Elrond, I am torn
Between elven immortality, and love for Aragorn
Though I care for him dearly, if I marry the guy
I will become a mortal being and eventually die
But for true love that’s a price that I’m willing to pay
Without Aragorn, I wouldn’t want to live anyway

I’m the wizard of nature, Radagast the Brown
Deep in the forest is the place I’ll be found
I was sent to rid Middle-Earth of Sauron for good
Instead I’ve been chilling like a hermit in the woods
Think I hang out with elves and men, not as chance
I’d rather commune with animals and plants
From the west coast all the way to the east
I am known as the friend of the bird and the beast

I’m Gwaihir the Eagle, and if you haven’t heard
This ain’t Sesame Street, but I’m a big bird
Large and strong enough to carry a man
I got like a hundred fifty feet of wingspan
Intelligent I speak through my golden beak
Soaring through clouds over the highest peak
My eyesight is keen and I have the best view
When friends are in trouble I fly to the rescue

Chief of the mearas, Rohan’s finest steed
I’m the horse that you need, when you’re looking for speed
Fearless and fast, Shadowfax is my name
The silver stallion that cannot be tamed
I’m a slave to no man, never wear a saddle
But if I judge you worthy, I’ll carry you to battle
War is upon us, there’s no time to waste
I’m going to show you the meaning of haste

Gandalf The White
I died in a fight with the balrog in spite
Of all that I returned, now I’m Gandalf The White
So my friends relax cause I had your backs
I rode to the rescue on my horse Shadowfax
With my blade the Foe-Hammer in hand
I drove the dark lord away from your land
From Sauron’s grasp Middle Earth is freed
Now we can all chill out, smoke some pipe weed
Track Name: Dinosaurs

I’m Stegosaurus you know I’m a classic
Herbivore dinosaur from the Jurassic
Even though I got a walnut sized brain
My bodies still built like a five-ton train
Thirty-foot back that’s stacked with racks
Of two foot plates to defend from attacks
Four sharp spikes on the end of my tail
Carnivores coming to close get impaled

I’m Apatosaurus wide as a whale
Call me Brontosaurus I’ll hit you with my tail
It’s fifty feet long, and incredibly strong
To drop any dinosaur doing me wrong
Jurassic Sauropod weighing thirty-five tons
Plus have a huge neck so I try not to run
Yard length feet on my four large legs
So big I even lay foot long eggs

From the Jurassic, I’m Allosaurus
Hunt with a pack no prey’s to big for us
Eat Stegosaurus even Apatosaurus
If you see us coming you better not ignore us
Serrated teeth my jaws are strong
Fifteen feet high thirty-five feet long
More than a four ton Carnosaur
North America’s biggest carnivore

I’m the long necked Diplodocus
Swallowing Jurassic plants is my focus
Sauropod like me live a century
But I can’t remember most things I see
My tiny brain don’t do much thinking
Use my head for eating and drinking
You know it takes a lot of water and leaves
To fill a hundred foot beast like me

I’m Brachiosaurus, I got a long neck
To help me reach all the leaves I collect
Plus I can stare almost everywhere
From fifty feet in the Jurassic air
Giraffes are almost as high as my hip
Eighty five tons you could say I weigh a grip
And I built this body on a vegan diet
You’re not an herbivore I suggest you try it

Velociraptor hunting in packs
Smarter, and faster, than all of my snacks
Each of my feet has a claw like a sickle
To rip through flesh and make your blood trickle
I’m a cutthroat killer Cretaceous bird
Covered in feathers if you haven’t heard
The size of a turkey but if I was living
I’d be the one eating you for thanksgiving

Ankylosaurus I’m hard to harm. My
Topside is plated with, spikes and armor
If you want to flip me you better be strong
Cause I weigh four tons, I’m thirty feet long
And if you even try you’re going to get nailed
By the big bony club on the end of my tail
I’m an herbivore but I’m ready for war
Live in the Cretaceous life is hardcore

I’m Pterosaur a flying carnivore
From the Cretaceous but not a dinosaur
Seven-foot head on my ten-foot neck
With a big brain for my intellect
I got sharp teeth and a sharper mind
Then Petri from The Land Before Time
Forty foot wing span so I get high
Biggest beast to ever soar through the sky

I’m a late Cretaceous Triceratops
Like a twelve-ton rhino I can’t be stopped
Eight hundred teeth for the plants I eat
Inside of my dome that about seven feet
All predatory attacks I deflect
With the big bone shield that protects my neck
Try to take a bite out of me, instead
Stab you with three-foot horns on my head

Tyrannosaurus Rex just call me T
Cretaceous carnivore you never want to see
My arms may be small but I got big feet
Big head, big jaws and twelve-inch teeth
Forty-foot long twenty-foot tall tower
Chasing down prey at twenty-five miles an hour
Love fast food cause I’m always on the run
You eat a quarter pounder, I eat a quarter ton
Track Name: Chess (White)
White Pieces

I’m the wise White King, ruler of this land
Not just a man; I am God’s right hand
The entire White army is under my command
And against the Black nation we shall take a stand
The Almighty one has ordered me to invade
And the word of the Lord must be obeyed
So strap on your armor, sharpen your blade
This is more than a war it’s a crusade

Make way for the Queen, majestic and mean
Like the Whites that wear I keep the streets clean
Across to the side, everywhere in between
I take Black pieces like it’s a routine
Try to trap me, I can’t be confined
Cross the whole board, smash through your line
Return to my King after taking what’s mine
Leaving a trail of destruction behind

I’m a White Rook I command a siege tower
A rolling fortress with incredible power
Packed full of snipers letting shots shower
Anything that stands in my way I devour
As the battle wears on, I move into position
To protect my king, then crush the opposition
During combat missions, I’m a skilled tactician
Forcing the Black Army into submission

I’m a White Knight, jumping into the fight
First leap to the left, then run to the right
When waging war one can’t be polite
So I smash Black Pawns if they come into sight
Fork two pieces in a single play
Then run down the slow one who can’t get away
All I can say, is their King better pray
He’ll answer to God, by the end of the day

I’m a White Bishop, a man of the Lord
Enforcing the bible, across the board
I want justice delivered and order restored
So the evil Black King must die by the sword
I assure you this war, will not subside
Til the heathens are crushed and their leader has died
Through the power of God, we shall turn the tide
Hunting down that devil wherever he may hide

I’m a Pawn placed on the frontline of war
Spent most of my short life shoveling manure
Just a lowly peasant I’ve never fought before
But in the name of God, I’d give my life and more
Though I face annihilation, I have determination
And as a Christian it’s my religious obligation
To march with my fellow Pawns into formation
Defending the King, and our great White Nation
Track Name: Chess (Black)
Black Pieces

Call me Black King, I don’t need no committee
I’m a Mafia Don and I run this city
Capture the White Queen alive if she pretty
Rape her then kill her, cause I have no pity
Her King has already made the first threat
Our armies have gathered the table is set
If the White want to fight, that’s what they’ll get
It’s a fatal mistake they will soon regret

I’m the Black Queen, on the Black throne
Across the board my name is well known
To get a Job done, I do it on my own
So I’m going to take out the White King alone
First seduce him, get right into his bed
When he tries to take me, I’ll stab him instead
Then bring home his skull, to prove that he’s dead
Do anything to help my King get ahead

Chill like a crook, out of sight in a nook
At the corner of the board, I’m the big Black Rook
Read the battlefield like an open book
Lost track of how many White pieces I took
From my outpost, back on the Black coast
I’ll move up and roast White Pawns like toast
Ain’t trying to boast, but I take the most
Haunting their King like a unfriendly ghost

Known as the Black Knight, I gun round town
A couple hours after the sun goes down
Pass a White crew as I’m making my rounds
Ride up on em drop pieces to the ground
Trample those Whites like a one-man stampede
Then proceed on my steed with incredible speed
I live by a creed of violence and greed
Cause the Black King pays me quite well indeed

Not a White priest I’m the Bishop in Black
They preach about God, I just sell people crack
Slang these sacks, let paper stack
Then use my slanted technique to attack
Those crooked White Bishops might proclaim
That their propaganda has a higher aim
But God and cocaine are exactly the same
Controlling the pawns is the name of the game

I’m a Black Pawn about to get it on
Got to make some money for the cracks all gone
Don’t care bout the Black King up on his throne
I’m fighting for a fix so that I can get blown
There’s some bad Black Pawns but I’m the worst
Step close to me, you be leaving in a hearse
I know I’m going to go for the White Queen first
Kill that Bitch then rummage through her purse
Track Name: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

They aren’t young or old, they’re at an in between age
Adolescent reptilians, we know them as teenage
They fell in the sewer and because of some pollutants
They were transformed, from normal Turtles into mutants
They were found by Splinter, a calm giant rat
Who trained them in the arts of ninjitsu combat
Now they’re dangerous ninjas, who make villains cower
Heroes in a half-shell who fight with Turtle power

Leonardo wears blue; he’s the leader of the pack
And he’ll put a sword through you before you can attack
Cut enemies to pieces like a hot knife through butter
Kill a whole gang of villains, leave them lying in the gutter
He’s meaner he’s greener, his weapons the katana
He’ll wreck you like Katrina, wrecked Louisiana
Many men have died, on the blade of his sword
Killing villains is so easy that sometimes he gets bored

Raphael wears red and his weapon is the sai
He’ll leave you stone dead fore you even know why
Stand in his way, you’re probably going to die
He’ll stab you in the back with the blink of an eye
Don’t test Raphael; he’s got a short fuse
His opponents never know what body parts they’re going to lose
Of the four Turtles he’s the biggest hater
He’ll fuck you up first, and he’ll ask question later

In purple’s Donatello, the brains of the crew
A very smart fellow, always knows what to do
When the Turtles got a problem he’s the go to man
They can always count on him to come up with a plan
Think that makes him a wuss, don’t make me laugh
He’ll cut your ass in half with his fucking bo staff
Insult Donatello, I hope your skull’s thick
Cause you about to get bashed in the head with a stick

In orange is Michelangelo, nun chucks flying
He’ll leave you crying, lying on the ground without trying
He loves to party, and has a great sense of humor
When he’s not kicking ass, he’s a pizza consumer
He’ll load them up with every single topping he can cram
Onions, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, cheese, and ham
Though he’s a nice guy don’t get him in a bad mood
Or he’ll beat you half to death, yelling “Cowabunga dude!”

They know one chick, a red headed cutie
Former lab assistant with a fine ass-booty
She goes by the name of April O’Neil
And those horny Ninja Turtles always try to cop feel
They don’t meet a lot of women, always fighting evildoers
And it’s hard to bring a girl home when you live in the sewers
The turtles always scheming, trying to get in April’s pants
But she only dates humans so they don’t have a chance

The Turtles archrival is a guy who’s really cocky
Ninja Master of the Foot Clan, Oroku Saki
Most know him as Shredder, he wears claws on his hands
And an army of soldiers that obey his commands
World domination is his only motivation
But the Turtles interfere and cause him lots of frustration
And him and his foot soldiers can’t compete
Cause every time they fight the Ninja Turtles they get beat

They aren’t young or old, they’re at an in between age
Adolescent reptilians, we know them as teenage
They fell in the sewer and because of some pollutants
They were transformed, from normal Turtles into mutants
They were found by Splinter, a calm giant rat
Who trained them in the arts of ninjitsu combat
Now they’re dangerous ninjas, who make villains cower
Heroes in a half-shell who fight with Turtle power