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Nerdcore

by Ari Lesser

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1.
A New Hope 04:17
A New Hope Luke Skywalker I’m Luke Skywalker, straight from Tatooine And though I didn’t find out till I was nineteen I’m one of the few Jedi Knights that’s remaining The force is strong with me, even with no formal training An expert pilot, no matter what I’m flying Blew up the Death Star without even trying Plus I got light saber techniques down to a science I’m a new hope for the Rebel Alliance Tusken Raider I’m the Tusken Raider URoRRoR’R’R So poor that I got to eat Womp Rat Fur Googles and a facemask, that’s my style Hide when I ride my Bantha single file Got to kill or be killed, steal or starve Raised in a wasteland you know I’m hard Where I’m from, sand is the only thing free So we the sand people living in the Dune Sea Jawa Midget in a hood they call me a Jawa Rolling through the desert in my big sandcrawler Everyday I’m scavenging trying to get my hand on Equpiment that I can sell to an outlander No matter what is or where it’s from I deal it Buy it or build it or find it or steal it Hiding in the shadows so droids can’t see me Til I blast them with ion and yell, “Utinni!” R2D2 I’m R2D2 confetti creating Disc drive, distracting, droid deactivating Computer interfacing, life form scanning Astromech holoprojector, air cannon With inflatable mattress, periscope, propeller Cable gun, claw arm, collapsible umbrella More gadgets than a Swiss Army knife in my chest Don’t leave home without me like American Express Princess Leia You might be a marksman, but I can shoot faster I rarely, if ever, miss a shot with my blaster They call me Princess Leia, many men pursue me I’m so hot my twin brother wanted to do me But I’m not a sex object, I’m a woman with a mission A top rebel general, and skilled tactician Galactic Empire is not as strong as the masses They can strike back, but we’ll still beat their asses Han Solo The name is Han Solo and I push a phat whip My Millennium Falcon will outrun any ship It was as a spice-smuggler that I gained my respect I made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs So if we’re under attack, no need to panic I’m a top-notch pilot, a skilled mechanic And a smooth operator, I have to admit I’m a little bit cocky, cause I know that I’m the shit Chewbacca A legendary pilot, I ain’t no rookie My name is Chewbacca, a big hairy wookie On the Falcon, friends call me Chewie Fly drunk all the time but I never got a DUI Walking round naked I don’t even wear shoes I like to play games but I don’t like to lose So if you beat me, don’t be alarmed When I grab you by the shoulder and rip off your arm
2.
The Empire Strikes Back Wampa I’m a Wampa, and I’ll chomp on your flesh I’m a carnivore I like my meat fresh My fur is all white and I hunt in the snow So I ambush my prey and they never know But I won’t kill you, I’ll keep you alive and Hang you in my cave with frozen saliva Then when I’m ready, eat you like spaghetti An afternoon snack for a nine foot yeti Stormtooper I’m a stormtooper open fire shoot you With my gun on stun put your ass in a stupor I obey orders no mercy or kindness Working with a legion of the Empire’s finest Galactic police and we keep the peace Rocking riot gear til the rebellion has ceased Step out of line and go home in a hearse 501st we the best of the worst Grand Moff Tarkin Influential and ambitious, I’m Grand Moff Tarkin Rising up in the ranks as times start to darken Got a high level job, Palpatine is my employer In my garage I got a whole fleet of Star Destroyers I show no mercy, my heart’s harder than granite I’ll use the Death Star to destroy your whole planet I’ve exterminated billions, and I feel no remorse Keep the galaxy in line through fear of force Emperor Palpatine The Galactic Emperor, I am Palpatine Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen I’m the Sith Lord the Jedi were looking for The man behind both sides of the civil war Grabbed executive power in the midst of the fear With my Stormtrooper army in white riot gear Now I am commander in chief, of police Sith will rule the galaxy and we will have peace Darth Vader I’m a straight hater wielding a light saber Used to be Anakin now they call me Darth Vader Dark Lord of the Sith, half man half machine Serving my master Emperor Palpatine I’ll choke you to death, make you shirt collar tighter Or blow you to pieces with my advanced tie fighter You can’t defeat me so don’t even bother I’ll discipline your ass like I am your father Lando Calrissian I’m Lando Calrissian, a hustler for sure Professional gambler, and entrepreneur If you want to visit me all you got to do is fly To my home Cloud City, it’s like Vegas in the sky We got tons of casinos, you can test your luck But I’m the kind of friend who sell you out to make a buck Not a classy gentleman, no matter how I look I’m a con-man, underneath the surface I’m a crook Boba Fett A Mandalorian warrior, my name is Boba Fett When it comes to bounty hunters, I’m the best you can get I’m a mercenary, an assassin for hire Working for Jabba the Hutt and the Galactic Empire I have way more weapons than can fit in my pockets Flame-throwers, rifles, wrist lasers, and rockets Strapped with full body armor, and a jetpack to fly So I can make my get away before you even die
3.
Return Of The Jedi Jabba The Hutt I’m a notorious Gangster named Jabba The Hutt No matter what the operation I take the fattest cut Piracy, slavery, gunrunning, spice-smuggling Got a hand in so many crimes, that I’m juggling Cruel, pragmatic, greedy, and malicious I like torture, execution, and half-naked bitches You don’t want to fuck with me, I’m a straight gang lord Drop you through a trap door, and feed you to my rancor Sarlacc From the Pit of Carkoon, I am the Sarlacc Near my sand dune I’ll have you for a snack My tentacles pull anything they can reach Into the pit of my mouth full of teeth My snake like tongue will swallow you whole But keep you alive so you die slow To be eaten by me is the greatest of fears I’ll digest your body for thousands of years Chief Chirpa I’m Chief Chirpa covered in gray hair Might look like a little furry teddy bear Only bout a meter high, I ain’t that large But on the moon of Endor I’m the one in charge I command an army of Ewok fighters Using spears, knives, rocks and hang gliders We’ll hunt you down no matter where you run And sacrifice your body to the Golden One C-3PO I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations Fluent in six million forms of communication Assisting with etiquette, customs, and translation So everything runs smoothly when you go on vacation But space travel is perilous I prefer not to fly I need no excitement, I’d rather not die I’m just a protocol droid, trying to avoid Any situation that will get me destroyed IG-88A I am IG-88 Assassin droid If you are organic you will be destroyed All non-droid life forms are inferior My intelligence and design are superior I am made of weapons but I added one more By inserting myself in the Death Star’s core When it starts running, I’ll start gunning The galactic Droid Revolution is coming Wedge Antilles I’m Wedge Antilles and I’m a Corillean Starfighter pilot ace of the rebellion True very few have flown where I flew Made runs on the Death Star one and two Call me Red rider, a whole fleet of TIE Fighter Won’t put a ding on the X-Wing I’m inside of Friends keep fallen, all leaving me grieving Top gun son only reason I’m breathing Admiral Ackbar Freedom fighting frigate flying Admiral Ackbar I eat up imperial ships like a snack bar Mon Calamari military, leader I run The MC80 Star Cruiser, Home One Supreme Commander of the Rebel Fleet Fighting for our lives so we can’t retreat Fly on the frontline, I stay on course A selfless servant of the Rebel Force
4.
The Phantom Menace Qui-Gon Jinn I’m Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn Work for myself take orders from within Regarded as a maverick cause I think outside the box Faithful to the Jedi Order but quite unorthodox Down to earth, present in the moment, I endorse Philosophical fighting, focusing on the living force I am kind, for all life forms I have respect But if you try to harm me, I’ll cut off your neck Darth Maul Name is Darth Maul I’m a dangerous Sith Not the kind of enemy you want to mess with I’m a Zabrak, my skin’s all red Covered in tattoos, got horns on my head I’ll cut a whole gang of Jedi knights in half Using both blades of my lightsaber staff I execute Jedi like Order 66 If I judge you worthy I let you die quick Padme Amidala People know me as Padme Amidala I’m a Queen, I’m a Senator, I’m a shot caller Fly a chromium covered star ship from Naboo With the finest clothes and the best hair-do I got down with Anakin before he was Vader And that man knows how to use a lightsaber Throughout the Galaxy I am known for my beauty But I never put myself above my civic duty Watto I’m a Toydarian dealer named Watto Betting with me’s like playing the lotto Pay up now your not going to win Come back tomorrow and try it again If it’s not about business, I don’t want to talk I can fly, you can take a walk No need for friends I like being alone My closest companions are slaves that I own Sebulba Podracing champ, Sebulba’s the name Drive on a circuit that puts Nascar to shame If you try to pass by my racer, I’ll end you I don’t run a clean race and I don’t pretend to Known to be reckless in the driver’s seat Hands on the gas, while I steer with my feet Even use a flamethrower when I want to bring the heat First place every race even if I have to cheat Jar Jar Binks Mesa Gungan General, Jar Jar Binks, Not so smart, but Mesa thinks My a good soul, just clumsy control So Mesa been in trouble since I was a tadpole Swim like fish my a tongue like a frog Mesa bill of a duck, my a ears of a dog Like man’s best friend mesa there to the end Yousa pleasea forgive my, if mesa offend
5.
Attack Of The Clones Anakin Skywalker Call me king Anakin cause I married a queen Skywalker, proof of the American dream I was born into slavery on Tatooine Now I’m the greatest Jedi this worlds ever seen And I will crush any enemy that I face If it’s lightsaber combat or in deep space A first place podracer ace, of course The Chosen One bringing balance to the force Obi-Wan Kenobi I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi, an elite Jedi Knight Humble and modest, though I know how to fight I prefer diplomacy, they call me Negotiator In the history of Jedi’s, very few have been greater Wise beyond my years, steadfast and selfless Defeating the dark side, defending the helpless A swordsmen, wielding my light saber with skill A master of the force, bending others to my will Lama Su Welcome, we’ve been expecting you I am prime minister Lama Su And when it comes to producing clones Here on Kamino we stand alone Behold the grand clone army you bought They are magnificent are they not We are on schedule, progress is steady It will not be long til your army is ready Jango Fett I’m Jango Fett I keep to my own But you may have seen my face on an army of clones Used as the mold of the perfect soldier Cause my heart is cold and I’m hard like a boulder With my Firespray starship Slave 1 I track down bounties get the job done Jet pack on my back twin blasters blasting Don’t mess with a Mandalorian assassin Mace Windu I’m High Jedi General Mace Windu If you fight for what’s right I’m defending you In lightsaber combat I can perform So skilled with the blade I made my own form Channeling my darkness to serve the light I’m Master of the Order of the Jedi Knight On a campaign dropping Sith like rain Get these mother fucking snakes off my mother fucking plane Yoda I do, or do not. There is no try. Yoda is my name, Grand master Jedi Wise I am, for I have been through a lot When nine hundred you reach, look as good you will not I’m a great warrior, the force is my gift With only my mind, massive objects, I lift Expert lightsaber technique, I got You judge me by my size, but size matters not
6.
Revenge Of The Sith Battle Droid I’m a B1 battle droid I have been deployed By the Trade Federation to insure you are destroyed I will keep fighting til my mission is complete Or until I am destroyed I will never retreat You’re vastly outnumbered even I fall There’s billions and billions just like me on call With the press of a button your planet will be won Before you even realize the war has begun Nute Gunray I’m Neimodian Viceroy Nute Gunray Sign this treaty now do what I say I built a blockade and cut off your trade To weaken your world so I could invade With the battle droid army of my Federation Which I command safely from a space station Your people will suffer, that’s how it must be Until you sign your planet over to me Poggle The Lesser I’m Poggle the Lesser a large insect Supported by the Sith so I get respect I’m Archduke of the Geonosian Hive Where the battle droid business continues to thrive Get in my way you’ll receive retribution In the form of public execution I’ll let to compete with a deadly beast From my arena you will not leave in one piece General Grievous I’m general Grievous cyborg supreme I command the war for the Confederate team Got billions of droids who will drop you dead Controlled by antennas on top of my head I’ve killed many Jedi from padawan to master They use force, but my lightsaber’s faster My arms split in two using four hands at once I’ll smite two Jedi, while I smoke two blunts Count Dooku I’m Count Dooku, I trained Qui-Gon But now the dark side is the side that I’m on Used to be a Jedi, but not any more Sideous and I are starting a civil war I’m playing the part of the Confederacy Leading the Separatist Movement like Robert E. Lee And I just deployed quintillions of droids Won’t be long till the Republic’s destroyed Darth Sideous Call me Darth Sideous, most hideous hater I’m top dog, my bitch is Darth Vader I’m a staight sinner, not a beginner Killed a billion people before I ate dinner I’m the most powerful man that exist Unleash lightening with the flick of my wrists Master of the Force, feared galaxy wide Not just Sith, I am the Dark Side
7.
The Hobbit 03:31
The Hobbit The Hobbit Bilbo I’m a man of many nicknames: Web Cutter, Clue Finder Stinging Fly, Ringwinner, Luckwearer, Barrel Rider Burglar from Bag End, I’m Bilbo Baggins Turning Trolls into stone, while I hunt down Dragons I do what I want I don’t ask for permission If you’re my homie I’ll break you out of prison But turn your back on me, I’ll steal your precious treasure And I’m not even four feet tall if you measure Thorin The King of Durin’s folk, I am Thorin Oakenshield A dwarf you don’t want to face on the battlefield I’m going to take my treasure back from Smaug the Dragon Got a dozen decent dwarves and a burgler named Baggins Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Balin, Gloin, Kili Dori, Nori, Ori, Dwalin, Oin, Fili With a posse like that no way we can blow it We’ll all be rolling in gold for you know it Great Goblin I’m a big bad orc, call me the Great Goblin Pass by my home, I might cause you some problems In the Misty Mountains, I’m the chief of Goblin-town Around here I’m the boss, I don’t need to wear a crown Trust me, you don’t want to fuck with my crew My orcs prey on all those who tries to pass through Travel by my city, better not be reckless I’ll catch you and add your skull to my necklace Beorn Normally I’m a man with bushy black hair But I can transform into a large black bear I’m Beorn the skin-changer, from Mirkwood Quick to anger, but at heart I am good I grow flowers, clover, have a hive full of bees Cows, sheep, horses, dogs and ponies I love the animals I do not kill them for food But I’ll still kill you if I’m in a bad mood Smaug I’m Smaug the Dragon, with tremendous wealth I reside on the Lonely Mountain by myself Every one knows the dreadful power I wield My scales are impenetrable, tenfold shields I kill where I wish, as I’ve done for many years Teeth are like swords, claws are like spears Wings are a hurricane, fire breath is death Slaughter people in your city til nobody left Bard I’m Bard the Bowman, man of Dale You better watch out when I let a shot sail Cause I can hit any target with my black arrow No matter how distant, no matter how narrow With a bow in my hand an my chainmail sagging All I need is one well placed shot to slay a dragon Smaug’s like an apple, and I’m William Tell Strike him at his core, send him straight to hell
8.
Book I Gandalf The Grey I’m Gandalf the Grey, greatest wizard of my day And you better not say that I caused a delay Cause I’m never late or early, I arrive when I mean And the party don’t start till I step on the scene You see me come around, it’s time to get down I make the spot pop when I roll into town With a cartload a fireworks light up the sky Then light up some pipe-weed so we can get high Pippen I’m Peregrin Took but my friends call me Pippen Got a whole book of phat rhymes I be ripping Pipe-weed I be smoking, fine ale I be sipping Then steal Farmer Maggot’s mushrooms and start tripping Speaking of frying, I want to eat some grub I’m going to order up a couple pints at the pub I’ll sing a few songs, maybe tell you a tale While I wash down my food with a tall glass of ale Barlimen Butterbur Where the Great East Road meets the Greenway The Prancing Pony is the only place to stay I’m Barlimen Butterbur, the innkeeper And if you spend the night I hope you’re a deep sleeper Cause we know how to party, our beer is great And in the village of Bree the bars stay open late So forget about you troubles, no need to worry The first rounds on me, you’ll be drunk in a hurry Bill Ferney I’m Bill Ferney, a man of Bree And if you need some help, you shouldn’t ask me I’ll laugh at your trouble cause I think that its funny My main interests are making mischief and money If someone pays me to rat you out I’ll snitch I’m going to do whatever it takes to get rich I’ll even work for Sauron if he pays me in cash So when I’m around you better watch your ass Glorfindel I’m a powerful Elf-lord, Glorfindel If you’re in pain I can make you feel well Healing fatal wounds with the touch of my hand When ring-wraiths reappear, I take a stand Chase them like rats, cause that’s what they are I even scared off the Witch-king of Angmar Shine in dark times like a bright, white, light They all know the might of an elven knight Goldberry I am Goldberry, more fair than an elf Embodiment of the river itself Return each year to bathe in the water Because I am the River-Woman’s daughter At the edge of the old forest I chill With my husband Tom Bombadil Together both of us make quite a pair Living a life free of worry and care Tom Bombadil I’m Tom Bombadil, and I know how to chill The Master of the wood, water, and hill My coat is blue, my big boots are yellow A laughing, singing, merry old fellow In the Old Forest I live life with ease I was here before the river and trees Saw the first raindrop and the first acorn None know what I am or when I was born
9.
Book II Elrond Call me Master Elrond, and don’t twisted I’ve been fighting Sauron, since before you existed Born in the First Age, and still living well In the Last Homely House, I’m the Lord of Rivendell My mind is the only things sharper than my sword So I know that the One Ring cannot be ignored The Ring will corrupt any men who employ it The only chance we have of victory is to destroy it Legolas My name is Legolas, I’m a prince of the elves Don’t piss me off if you care about your health When I want you dead the chance of living is narrow After I sink an arrow in your bone marrow A sharpshooting sniper, striking like a viper I’ll end you like a bug on a windshield wiper Immortal Elven Archer cut you down like a knife Hastening your departure to the afterlife Gimli I’m a dwarf, my name is Gimli, son of Gloin I murder my foes with an axe to the loin Don’t start no beef, I’m not comic relief I’ll work you like metal and knock out your teeth I’m a warrior, want to check my axe technique Respect the beard, I ain’t no weird circus freak Yeah I’m short and I’m stout, but have no doubt If you stand in my way then I’ll take your ass out Boromir My name is Boromir, I’m the son of Denethor Heir apparent to the Stewardship of Gondor I’m the Captain and High Warden of the White Tower A skilled general with great military power On the battlefield, I’m the man in command Taking my stand with long sword in hand I don’t move forth like a thief in the night You’ll hear the Horn of Gondor before I come into sight Balrog From deep within the Misty Mountains I came A powerful demon of shadow and flame A wicked, winged, whip-toting warrior I am the mighty Balrog of Moria A tremendous towering titan of terror If our paths cross, you’ve made a huge error When you see me, flea, and if you slip You’ll meet your demise with the lash of my whip Haldir My name is Haldir, an elf you should fear If you enter Lothlorien, I’ll make you disappear Setting foot in the forest is the last thing you’ll do Cause we don’t take kindly to foreigners like you The penalty for trespassing here is death I’ll catch you in the dark from the sound of your breath Have you blindfolded and shot on the spot Then leave your body lying in the woods to rot Celeborn My name is Celeborn and I’m not trying to be a hater But if we compare intellects, mine is far greater Sorry if it sounds like I’m full of myself But in all of Middle-Earth I am the wisest elf Lord of Lothlorien, my life is good Reside in a tree house in the Golden Wood As you can see I live a very rich life Now let me introduce you to Galadriel my wife Galadriel My stunning gold hair has a silver glow I am fair as the sea, and the sun, and the snow Beautiful and terrible as Morning and Night A strong, noble woman, over six feet in height I am Queen Galadriel, the most powerful elf And with the One Ring I could rule Middle-Earth myself I’d be dreadful as the storm, strong as earth’s foundation Luckily I’m wise enough to resist that temptation
10.
Book III Eomer My name is Eomer I’m a Rohan rider A masterful horseman and fearless fighter Get out my way or get trampled by my horse Cause I show no remorse when I have to use force Foes flea in fear at the sight of my spear You can call me Lebron James, I’m a Cavalier Me an my pack attack on horseback Slaughtering Orcs like Listerine kills plaque Ugluk My name is Ugluk, I’m a big black orc I’d rather eat man-flesh than a piece of pork I’m an Uruk-Hai commander, not just a warrior In charge of orcs all the way from Isengard to Moria Got a few hundred of them in my command Beneath Saruman’s emblem of the white hand And my orcs obey my orders, or they’re dead If you talk back to me, I’ll cut off your fucking head Treebeard The oldest of the ents, I am a foe to be feared From the forest of Fangorn, I am Treebeard Be vey careful when you enter my home For each twig you snap I will break one bone If you like to smoke a little bit of pipe weed, fine That I don’t mind, but burning trees is a crime The wizard Saruman is guilty of this offense So he’ll face the wrath of the last march of the ents Quickbeam I’m a tall smooth ent, my name is Quickbeam If you want to take Saruman down, I’m on your team I enjoy singing and I love to laugh But right now I just want to tear that wizard in half His Orcs have been cutting down trees for to long The Fangorn Forest must show that we are strong So to every ent I call, let us stand tall Time for us to march, Isengard will fall Saruman I’m Saruman the White, wizard with a wealth of power My home is a stronghold, Isengard’s Tower I have many enemies, but if you want to harm me First you got to find a way through my massive army Of crossbred orc-men I call them Uruk-Hai And for me every one of them is willing to die Even if you make it past, I strike you down with my staff And the last thing you’ll hear is the sound of my laugh Grima Wormtoungue I’m Grima Wormtoungue, a man of treason I’ll betray and stab you in the back for no reason Controlling kingdoms with the words that I speak Make the young feel old and the strong feel weak I’ll get you to do things you’d never consent to Turn your friends against you, make your family resent you Poison your mind with what I whisper in your ear You’re a powerless puppet, I’m the puppeteer Theoden You peons listen up while I get my royal flow on All hail me, I’m the King of Rohan My nephew’s Eomer, my niece is Eowyn My son was Theodred, and I’m Theoden When you enter my court leave your weapon at the door If I give you an order, you’d better not ignore Trust me my bite is much worse than my bark Don’t mess with the First Marshall of the Mark
11.
Book IV Frodo My name is Frodo Baggins, and I’m the Ring-bearer On a perilous journey with no margin for error Got to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom That’s where it was forged, that’s where it must be consumed So I’m traveling deep behind enemy lines Risking life and limb, facing evil of all kinds I’m just your average Hobbit, I don’t have many talents But I can’t fail the fate of Middle-Earth hangs in the balance Samwise I’m just simple gardener I ain’t looking for trouble But fuck with my friend and I’ll hit you with a shovel Name is Samwise Gamgee, Sam for short And I’m the hobbit to turn to when you need support Everybody knows that I love my boy Frodo Don’t even try to hurt him, I’ll snap you like a photo If you do us wrong, I won’t beg for your pardon I’ll just knock you out and bury you alive in my garden Khamul My name is Khamul, I was a man from the East Now you’ll find me riding through the air on my fellbeast I’m a Nazgul of Sauron, hunting down the ring Second in command only to the Witch-king When I enter a room, the air becomes cold My presence instills fear in the most bold Invisible, but my dark robes give me shape I can smell your blood there’s no chance of escape Faramir My name is Faramir, Boromir’s little bro And I could end a foe with one shot from my bow I can be kind and gentle, but I ain’t no civilian I’m a captain, I command the Rangers of Ithilien Me and my troops are in charge of the border Cause my homeland, Gondor, is right next to Mordor And whenever we see Sauron’s minions, we bust them No airport in Gondor, but we still got customs Gollum I’ll strangle you and hide your body like Deagol If you call me Gollum, my name is Smeagol I’ll use my bare hands and gut you like a fish I really don’t give a shit about your last wish My ring, my precious, find it we must That Hobbitses Baggins, he stole it from us When I find that rat, I’ll make his bones crack And then “Gollum” we’ll take our precious back Shelob I don’t want towers, rings and material wealth Just a glut of life, and death for everyone else I’m Shelob the spider, pleasure to meet you Come to my lair in the mountains so I can eat you I’ll catch you in my web like a little insect Then sting you and inject some poison in your neck Taking great pleasure in your slow painful death As I drink your warm blood and feast on your living flesh
12.
Book V Denethor You want to give me advice, I don’t give a damn Not king but I exercise power like I am I’m tSteward of Gondor, Lord Denethor And I don’t know what everyone is still fighting for Middle-Earth is doomed, the end is near I have foreseen everything on my Palintir The ring is lost, Sauron has returned The west has failed, go back and burn Eowyn My name is Eowyn, Rohan is my land Got a horse between my legs and a sword in my hands As you can tell I’m a blonde bombshell I look real good and I fight just as well Dress up like a man so that I can go to war Like Mulan from Disney, but more hardcore If you don’t believe me, you could give it a whirl And find out what its like to get murdered by a girl Witch-king Sauron’s most dreadful servant, I’m the Witch-king Black Captain of the nine wraiths searching for the ring I’m Lord of the Nazgul and you are my prey I won’t just slay thee, I shall l bear thee away Beyond all darkness I’ll have you sent Y ou’ll endlessly suffer in the houses of lament Your flesh will be devoured, but you will not die Thy shriveled mind will be left naked to the lidless eye Merry What’s up I’m Merry, my feet are kind of hairy My home’s Buckland near the Bucklebury Ferry Organized and efficient, I’m prepared for a mission Got ponies and supplies ready for an expedition I can hold my own no matter where I travel Yeah I might be small but I’m hard like gravel Even though I’m half your size, if you mess with me I’ll stab you like the Witch-King in the back of your knee King Of The Dead I was cursed by Isildur cause I broke and oath So now I’m not alive, or dead, I’m both Was King of The Mountains, now I’m King of the Dead My followers fill living beings with dread Aragorn asked me to help and though he’d normally get slayed I will just because I want my debt to be repaid So for now the service of my dead army is at lease Cause I must fulfill this oath so I can finally rest in peace Sauron My name is Sauron, I live in Mordor If you a goblin or an orc then you probably my supporter I live in Barad-Dur, the Dark Tower And I’m the one who forged the One Ring of Power I smoke enemies like fiends smoke dope So bring me my ring like I’m the God-damn Pope Or I’ll hunt your ass down with the Nazgul Nine I’m taking over Middle-Earth, fall in line
13.
Book VI Aragorn My name is Aragorn, the son of Arathorn But many men know me as Strider the Ranger I lead the lost and bring hope to the forlorn A bright light shining in the face of great danger When I step on the battlefield evil beware I’m a powerful man, and I don’t fight alone I’m the true King of Gondor, Isildur’s Heir Returning from exile to reclaim my throne Arwen Tales of my beauty have been told near and far The Lady of Rivendell, I am Arwen Evenstar Daughter of Elf-lord Elrond, I am torn Between elven immortality, and love for Aragorn Though I care for him dearly, if I marry the guy I will become a mortal being and eventually die But for true love that’s a price that I’m willing to pay Without Aragorn, I wouldn’t want to live anyway Radagast I’m the wizard of nature, Radagast the Brown Deep in the forest is the place I’ll be found I was sent to rid Middle-Earth of Sauron for good Instead I’ve been chilling like a hermit in the woods Think I hang out with elves and men, not as chance I’d rather commune with animals and plants From the west coast all the way to the east I am known as the friend of the bird and the beast Gwaihir I’m Gwaihir the Eagle, and if you haven’t heard This ain’t Sesame Street, but I’m a big bird Large and strong enough to carry a man I got like a hundred fifty feet of wingspan Intelligent I speak through my golden beak Soaring through clouds over the highest peak My eyesight is keen and I have the best view When friends are in trouble I fly to the rescue Shadowfax Chief of the mearas, Rohan’s finest steed I’m the horse that you need, when you’re looking for speed Fearless and fast, Shadowfax is my name The silver stallion that cannot be tamed I’m a slave to no man, never wear a saddle But if I judge you worthy, I’ll carry you to battle War is upon us, there’s no time to waste I’m going to show you the meaning of haste Gandalf The White I died in a fight with the balrog in spite Of all that I returned, now I’m Gandalf The White So my friends relax cause I had your backs I rode to the rescue on my horse Shadowfax With my blade the Foe-Hammer in hand I drove the dark lord away from your land From Sauron’s grasp Middle Earth is freed Now we can all chill out, smoke some pipe weed
14.
Dinosaurs 06:09
Dinosaurs Stegosaurus I’m Stegosaurus you know I’m a classic Herbivore dinosaur from the Jurassic Even though I got a walnut sized brain My bodies still built like a five-ton train Thirty-foot back that’s stacked with racks Of two foot plates to defend from attacks Four sharp spikes on the end of my tail Carnivores coming to close get impaled Apatosaurus I’m Apatosaurus wide as a whale Call me Brontosaurus I’ll hit you with my tail It’s fifty feet long, and incredibly strong To drop any dinosaur doing me wrong Jurassic Sauropod weighing thirty-five tons Plus have a huge neck so I try not to run Yard length feet on my four large legs So big I even lay foot long eggs Allosaurus From the Jurassic, I’m Allosaurus Hunt with a pack no prey’s to big for us Eat Stegosaurus even Apatosaurus If you see us coming you better not ignore us Serrated teeth my jaws are strong Fifteen feet high thirty-five feet long More than a four ton Carnosaur North America’s biggest carnivore Diplodocus I’m the long necked Diplodocus Swallowing Jurassic plants is my focus Sauropod like me live a century But I can’t remember most things I see My tiny brain don’t do much thinking Use my head for eating and drinking You know it takes a lot of water and leaves To fill a hundred foot beast like me Brachiosaurus I’m Brachiosaurus, I got a long neck To help me reach all the leaves I collect Plus I can stare almost everywhere From fifty feet in the Jurassic air Giraffes are almost as high as my hip Eighty five tons you could say I weigh a grip And I built this body on a vegan diet You’re not an herbivore I suggest you try it Velociraptor Velociraptor hunting in packs Smarter, and faster, than all of my snacks Each of my feet has a claw like a sickle To rip through flesh and make your blood trickle I’m a cutthroat killer Cretaceous bird Covered in feathers if you haven’t heard The size of a turkey but if I was living I’d be the one eating you for thanksgiving Ankylosaurus Ankylosaurus I’m hard to harm. My Topside is plated with, spikes and armor If you want to flip me you better be strong Cause I weigh four tons, I’m thirty feet long And if you even try you’re going to get nailed By the big bony club on the end of my tail I’m an herbivore but I’m ready for war Live in the Cretaceous life is hardcore Pterosaur I’m Pterosaur a flying carnivore From the Cretaceous but not a dinosaur Seven-foot head on my ten-foot neck With a big brain for my intellect I got sharp teeth and a sharper mind Then Petri from The Land Before Time Forty foot wing span so I get high Biggest beast to ever soar through the sky Triceratops I’m a late Cretaceous Triceratops Like a twelve-ton rhino I can’t be stopped Eight hundred teeth for the plants I eat Inside of my dome that about seven feet All predatory attacks I deflect With the big bone shield that protects my neck Try to take a bite out of me, instead Stab you with three-foot horns on my head Tyrannosaurus Tyrannosaurus Rex just call me T Cretaceous carnivore you never want to see My arms may be small but I got big feet Big head, big jaws and twelve-inch teeth Forty-foot long twenty-foot tall tower Chasing down prey at twenty-five miles an hour Love fast food cause I’m always on the run You eat a quarter pounder, I eat a quarter ton
15.
White Pieces I’m the wise White King, ruler of this land Not just a man; I am God’s right hand The entire White army is under my command And against the Black nation we shall take a stand The Almighty one has ordered me to invade And the word of the Lord must be obeyed So strap on your armor, sharpen your blade This is more than a war it’s a crusade Make way for the Queen, majestic and mean Like the Whites that wear I keep the streets clean Across to the side, everywhere in between I take Black pieces like it’s a routine Try to trap me, I can’t be confined Cross the whole board, smash through your line Return to my King after taking what’s mine Leaving a trail of destruction behind I’m a White Rook I command a siege tower A rolling fortress with incredible power Packed full of snipers letting shots shower Anything that stands in my way I devour As the battle wears on, I move into position To protect my king, then crush the opposition During combat missions, I’m a skilled tactician Forcing the Black Army into submission I’m a White Knight, jumping into the fight First leap to the left, then run to the right When waging war one can’t be polite So I smash Black Pawns if they come into sight Fork two pieces in a single play Then run down the slow one who can’t get away All I can say, is their King better pray He’ll answer to God, by the end of the day I’m a White Bishop, a man of the Lord Enforcing the bible, across the board I want justice delivered and order restored So the evil Black King must die by the sword I assure you this war, will not subside Til the heathens are crushed and their leader has died Through the power of God, we shall turn the tide Hunting down that devil wherever he may hide I’m a Pawn placed on the frontline of war Spent most of my short life shoveling manure Just a lowly peasant I’ve never fought before But in the name of God, I’d give my life and more Though I face annihilation, I have determination And as a Christian it’s my religious obligation To march with my fellow Pawns into formation Defending the King, and our great White Nation
16.
Black Pieces Call me Black King, I don’t need no committee I’m a Mafia Don and I run this city Capture the White Queen alive if she pretty Rape her then kill her, cause I have no pity Her King has already made the first threat Our armies have gathered the table is set If the White want to fight, that’s what they’ll get It’s a fatal mistake they will soon regret I’m the Black Queen, on the Black throne Across the board my name is well known To get a Job done, I do it on my own So I’m going to take out the White King alone First seduce him, get right into his bed When he tries to take me, I’ll stab him instead Then bring home his skull, to prove that he’s dead Do anything to help my King get ahead Chill like a crook, out of sight in a nook At the corner of the board, I’m the big Black Rook Read the battlefield like an open book Lost track of how many White pieces I took From my outpost, back on the Black coast I’ll move up and roast White Pawns like toast Ain’t trying to boast, but I take the most Haunting their King like a unfriendly ghost Known as the Black Knight, I gun round town A couple hours after the sun goes down Pass a White crew as I’m making my rounds Ride up on em drop pieces to the ground Trample those Whites like a one-man stampede Then proceed on my steed with incredible speed I live by a creed of violence and greed Cause the Black King pays me quite well indeed Not a White priest I’m the Bishop in Black They preach about God, I just sell people crack Slang these sacks, let paper stack Then use my slanted technique to attack Those crooked White Bishops might proclaim That their propaganda has a higher aim But God and cocaine are exactly the same Controlling the pawns is the name of the game I’m a Black Pawn about to get it on Got to make some money for the cracks all gone Don’t care bout the Black King up on his throne I’m fighting for a fix so that I can get blown There’s some bad Black Pawns but I’m the worst Step close to me, you be leaving in a hearse I know I’m going to go for the White Queen first Kill that Bitch then rummage through her purse
17.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles They aren’t young or old, they’re at an in between age Adolescent reptilians, we know them as teenage They fell in the sewer and because of some pollutants They were transformed, from normal Turtles into mutants They were found by Splinter, a calm giant rat Who trained them in the arts of ninjitsu combat Now they’re dangerous ninjas, who make villains cower Heroes in a half-shell who fight with Turtle power Leonardo wears blue; he’s the leader of the pack And he’ll put a sword through you before you can attack Cut enemies to pieces like a hot knife through butter Kill a whole gang of villains, leave them lying in the gutter He’s meaner he’s greener, his weapons the katana He’ll wreck you like Katrina, wrecked Louisiana Many men have died, on the blade of his sword Killing villains is so easy that sometimes he gets bored Raphael wears red and his weapon is the sai He’ll leave you stone dead fore you even know why Stand in his way, you’re probably going to die He’ll stab you in the back with the blink of an eye Don’t test Raphael; he’s got a short fuse His opponents never know what body parts they’re going to lose Of the four Turtles he’s the biggest hater He’ll fuck you up first, and he’ll ask question later In purple’s Donatello, the brains of the crew A very smart fellow, always knows what to do When the Turtles got a problem he’s the go to man They can always count on him to come up with a plan Think that makes him a wuss, don’t make me laugh He’ll cut your ass in half with his fucking bo staff Insult Donatello, I hope your skull’s thick Cause you about to get bashed in the head with a stick In orange is Michelangelo, nun chucks flying He’ll leave you crying, lying on the ground without trying He loves to party, and has a great sense of humor When he’s not kicking ass, he’s a pizza consumer He’ll load them up with every single topping he can cram Onions, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, cheese, and ham Though he’s a nice guy don’t get him in a bad mood Or he’ll beat you half to death, yelling “Cowabunga dude!” They know one chick, a red headed cutie Former lab assistant with a fine ass-booty She goes by the name of April O’Neil And those horny Ninja Turtles always try to cop feel They don’t meet a lot of women, always fighting evildoers And it’s hard to bring a girl home when you live in the sewers The turtles always scheming, trying to get in April’s pants But she only dates humans so they don’t have a chance The Turtles archrival is a guy who’s really cocky Ninja Master of the Foot Clan, Oroku Saki Most know him as Shredder, he wears claws on his hands And an army of soldiers that obey his commands World domination is his only motivation But the Turtles interfere and cause him lots of frustration And him and his foot soldiers can’t compete Cause every time they fight the Ninja Turtles they get beat They aren’t young or old, they’re at an in between age Adolescent reptilians, we know them as teenage They fell in the sewer and because of some pollutants They were transformed, from normal Turtles into mutants They were found by Splinter, a calm giant rat Who trained them in the arts of ninjitsu combat Now they’re dangerous ninjas, who make villains cower Heroes in a half-shell who fight with Turtle power

about

This album goes out to my gangsta' nerds

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released April 29, 2010

Ari Lesser: Lyrics & Vocals
George Lucas: Inspiration (Star Wars)
J.R.R. Tolkien: Inspiration (Lord Of The Rings)
4Trees: Beat (Pikachu)
Tyler Kirsch: Beat Box (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

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Ari Lesser Cleveland

Ari Lesser is a singer, songwriter, rapper, and spoken word artist from Cleveland, Ohio. He has performed all over the world, and written hundreds of songs on a wide range of subjects. Ari’s repertoire is expansive, touching on everything from history, to animals, to Star Wars, but now his focus and passion is making music based on the Torah. ... more

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